Id look around at the guys in the bars. They would be laughin and talkin-they werent really happy either, mind ya, but thyd try ta be, most of em, and laugh and talk. And there was always some in the place that seemed more like me. Sad, I mean. Lonely. Theyd have their face almost hangin on the bar or else lookin off into space just bein miserable. But that wasnt for me. I wasnt goin ta cry about it. I was just unhappy, and I didnt want ta be.

Then one time, I remember, I stopped everything and sat down and thought. First I tried ta think of a new bar. Nope. So I tried ta think of some place else a guy like me could go. Hal Ever tried that? There just arent any.

Ya can go ta a park or a movie or a place like that. Ya wont meet anybody though, not respectable. Ya know what I mean by meetin a decent guy? In a decent way? Come on now, Im no prude, a long way from it. But everyone wants a decent life, a decent place ta meet a decent guy. Yeah, even us.

Dont bother ta look, there arent any places. Ya get the feeling as ya look around the cityand any city that youre a reject. Youre expected ta finally wind up by throwin yourself on some junk pile and lie there still like respectible junk should. Yeah, your hated. But keep pushin ityou know why? Because we arent understood. Keep pushin-people dont think we deserve it, and they dont know how many million of us there are.

But thats way off my story. Thats somethin ya should come back to, and think about.

So there I was-big unhappy Smiley. And there wasnt anything good about it. I mean but NOTHIN. My job was goin ta pot, I didnt feel like workin. I didnt feel like NOT workin-1 didnt feel like NOTHIN. In other words, I was in sad shape. Finally I just got ta be a mope. Yeah, a brooder. Just sittin, and everything pushin down and gettin worse by the minute. I didnt go out any more, just sittin there in my room. That was last summer. And every night was hot. Heat that stuck ta ya and made ya feel sick so ya wished ya could shove it away and yell at it.

Well, I was a mess-and I knew it. It was goin on for weeks now-and serious-and there wasnt anything I could do ta stop it. I finally lost my job, I didnt care, and I had a little money for food, but I wasnt hungry. I was a couple a weeks like that-you know somethin had ta break. It was in August sometime that it did. Like usual, I couldnt sleep, my stomach hurt. But i couldnt eat. The night was a hazy black and the heat was heavy and everywhere like greasy smoke. I sat up on the bed and I was hot 'n dirty. I looked around the room and I felt like a ghost, like not really bein there, not being human. Not wantin ta be there.

I felt weak and my head was dizzy. I sat there starin out for a long time, like I didnt have a brain anymore-it was a cloud, black 'n heavy with nothin there solid to grab onto. It was like I was in a dream, a dream that was sad, like dyin, and fearfulness I couldnt fight off.

Finally I could feel myself gettin out of bed. I wasnt doin it, my legs were just movin by themselves. I was already dressed and I walked out the door without knowin where and went into. the hot streets. I walked past down town and out to where they were only a few lonely cars goin by, and then I saw up ahead where it was I was goin. The bridge.

Yeah, it had got that bad for Smiley. And soon as I saw that black bridge ahead in the hot wet smelly night, I knew it was that bad. Next thing I knew I was standin by the rail, and I wasnt arguin-there was nothin left ta argue about. I couldnt believe I was goin ta do it, but there I was standin by the rail.

It was dark, I couldnt see the water below but I could hear it. There wasnt anybody around and I could hear the water, washin by, lazy. I looked down the bridge. I didnt see him before but a guy was standin there, a ways away. I wished he'd leave. Cant jump with him there. I could hardly see him, but there he was, and just standin there by the rail.

And then, before I know it, crazy kid, he jumps up on the rail, and looks back a second. Before I could stop him-HE JUMPS OFF!

CRAZY KID! I yelled out after him. I felt part of the old Smiley come back, and I had to save him! Without thinkin' I got up on the rail and jumped in after him.

Well, funny thing, that was the last thing I remember. It was like the night soaked me up,

I dont even remember hittin the water. But Im still alive and kickin.

First thing I saw with all those stars, and flat on my back, was Bert. Yeah, youre way ahead of me again. That was Bert-that crazy kid that tried ta jump. And I tried ta save him-Im just as crazy-and he wound up draggin ME out. IMAGINE. Me, Im so weak I can hardly walk and Im tryin to save some crazy kid!

It never even hit the papers. In a way I wish it had-to help other guys, if theyd broke down. and told the story the way it really happened. And hered be a good place to end it not that its ended-its goin right on, and Bert and me, we're goin right on bein happy. We're not lonely, neither of us-we're not unhappy now. We couldnt be.

Its like a movie, ya say? My story, I mean. Well, maybe its not always like that. But its a funny thing, every day people are findin out how much they need each other, and how much they can do when theyre together and happy. Ya cant argue with me-ya know its true. Look at me. Now it makes sense when they call me Smiley.

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